Hmm......

Hmm.....
I don't know where I should start....
This is exactly one of those days that I always wish I could just skip it, and if I may, never remember it either. These days are common in lives of all of us. But the point is some of us have the ability to not sensing it, not remembering it and even not living it (lucky them!), and of course some of us don't have this gift (like me!). These are the days that you can taste the virulent taste of life, notice the huge amount that sometimes it could suck, and gain so much hatred of everything that you can't get rid of it easily....
Simply, sometimes like nowadays, I can't laugh, I can't be happy for just a second, and the funny point is I can't even cry..... I'd be just like a stone made statue that only could be sited on my damn chair and stare at the none-existence view of my yard (!). The good point is in these moments that U feel everybody have abandoned U, nobody cares that U're even alive or not! so unless that someone wants something from U, you wouldn't be remembered! But the most horrible point is feeling the time. It never could run slower. These dark moments of life, sometimes look like a never ending story to me. Lucky those who have s.b. to help them not feeling these moments, But I strongly believe that it only make a tiny delay to it. It won’t go away, unless you’d thought your way through it. You have to know your goal, your wish, your dream….
If you don’t, you may just live with a mask that even doesn’t fool yourself...

You know? Sometime I wonder what my life is about. I feel so abandoned, that I feel I am swallowed by my dark side, by my own darkness. At these moments I fight with myself to not be judgmental, not anymore. I imagine myself like an ancient warrior who fights to get through his life…






















Sometimes U may feel good.
Sometimes U lose it.



















But then I remember, that fuck my idea (!). I’m only some spoiled brat who has everything given to him by his parents! What – even a tiny thing – does exist that I had earned it all by myself, that I had even challenged to earn it. Did I ever fight in my whole life for a thing? So please, shut up about being a warrior! …

Sometimes, I think ,due the time that I spend on these bullshit ideas, I know myself so well, that at least, I have this privilege to others. But then…
I knew that I had hated cigar smoke, all my life (at least my first 21 years!!), suddenly I blink my eyes and I see the damn cigarette in my hand, I open my drawer and – Bam – I’d be shocked to see that scene. It’s like that the empty boxes of cigarettes are fighting their ways to the surface!!!
But hey, only in a second, I’d remember, it’s me! The one who sometimes couldn’t even take a breath. So please don’t be shocked! It’s so cliché of me to be shocked for scenes like this….




















I feel like I live behind some masks that I don’t even like it myself. It’s my daily job to wear a one to live this marvelous life. One day be a cute and happy boy, some day some lover boy, someday so judgmental and some day, … etc.























Sometimes I’d be confused to select and wear which one of them! (But at least if feel good to have some choices to think about! It would make U feel a little alive!)

Someday I like to think about them. The reason to put them on. Is it really necessary? (And of
course then I wear them! All of us do it! This is our most common attribute!)


















Sometimes, this thinking would make me that confused that I wouldn’t remember which scene is right? What’s the real face of me!!?!!

And of course, it’s always scary to see the world through some mask, but then I think I would be scarier if I haven’t worn them at all!












Hmm…
And at the end of the night, here I am! Lonely and bored like always. Searching for somewhere to sit, to be stone like every other second of my glorious life.
Then I think I have to go to the bathroom. Hey! At least something is working inside me properly!!!.....



















( You may find some other photos in here.)